Friday, September 23, 2016

Mercury Direct ... FINALLY!!



Not that I'm a die-hard astrology believer, but I can definitely sense when Mercury goes retrograde.

For those that don't know what that means, let me sum it up by saying - Nothing bloody works!

There are usually issues with your computers (like the wonderful message of Disk error I kept getting when I'd start/restart my computer); conversations take weird and awkward directions; mechanical/electrical gadgets go on the fritz. Admittedly all those things can and will happen at any time, not just when Mercury is in Retrograde, yet the situations simply seem to happen much more often when the Messenger is moving backwards.

The interesting thing for me was the mention of dealing with past situations before Mercury goes direct because those issues seem to keep coming up.

Hmm...what could those issues possibly be?
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found on pinterest
Maybe it could be my recurring habit to stop writing and put everything and everyone else ahead of that writing goal?

Maybe it could be my tendency to stop believing that what I've put down is perfect for that moment in time?

Maybe it could be my inability to believe that I know what I'm doing when it comes to storytelling?

Or it could be all three.

If I break it all down, those three things seem very simple and easily overcome, right?

Wrong.

As my friend, Claire J. Monroe, so aptly named me - one of many nicknames besides "bitch", "fucking bitch", and "rotten bitch" when she's having a particularly difficult time avoiding my pointed questions - I am "Concrete Girl".

I tend to put information into concrete and it'll take a jackhammer or two to break that block of belief up enough to see the grain of truth that was morphed into a dam to hold back my trust in myself. Funnily enough, I have no problem seeing the truth and potential in others, I simply seem blind or in denial of my own skills, talents, and abilities.

This came home to me today when I was talking with a co-worker at my day job. In the last few weeks, I've been baking treats and sharing them with the people at my work. For one lady, I baked a marble cake (made with chocolate and butter cake batters swirled together in the pans) with a chocolate/dark chocolate pudding/mousse filling and dark chocolate whipped cream icing. She loved it and raved about how good it was. Today, I brought in the Jewish Apple Cake I baked last night. Again everyone who tried it, loved it. Some even asked for the recipe, which I was actually able to recall from memory, despite not having made it in months prior to last night.

You would think I would be accepting the accolades easily. I didn't. In fact, it was as if I was disinclined to see myself as having talent when it comes to making yummy desserts and treats.

Don't get me wrong, I appreciated every compliment I received, and I said "Thank you" to each person, yet at the same time, I kept hearing in my head "You didn't do anything special. What you did was easy; simple. Anyone could do it." Which might be true...or it might not.  As I rattled off the steps necessary to make the apple cake, I started with the comment, "it was easy..." then began my explanation, one of my co-workers said, "That's not easy. That's hard."

She was also the one who told me I had yet to bring in anything that she'd tried that didn't taste delicious. Again that quiet voice, which can get so damned loud, started in with, "That's not true. You've made plenty of things that didn't taste good, she's just being nice."

It's there that I had to call "Bullshit!" Because, this lady doesn't pull her punches, and isn't afraid to speak her mind, much like my friend, Claire Jane.

She wasn't lying. She wasn't simply being nice. She was being honest.

It was in that moment that I realized, I've regressed a bit in the last two weeks. I've noticed that that nasty, negative voice is becoming my more common place internal response since I've stopped making progress on Rogue Master. I've started feeling frustrated, and angry over the littlest things.

I don't like it. I recognize it was bound to happen when I hit a bump in the road, yet, after the last few weeks of feeling positive, and upbeat, and happy, these last two weeks have been miserable. I am angry at myself for falling back into an old, bad habit, but I'm not going to wallow in that anger.

delete cute man sweet button
gif courtesy of giphy.com
I'm going to take some time this weekend to reevaluate my goals, not only for my writing, but on other things. Then, I'm going to sit down and make a damned plan that makes the most sense for me and my goals. And I'm going to take a long hard look at what my characters are telling me - not just Rick and Becka, but the others that have been hanging in limbo for a while.

Wish me luck! If you have any advice about how to get the best results, please feel free to comment below.

Thanks for listening. Will talk to you later.
Q



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